oh yeah {what's been happening}.

Thank you for coming around and reading again. It has been so nice to go through the comments and also receive so many emails asking how we are doing, as a family.

So much has happened since I took a break from writing and so many of you have asked specific questions, so I thought I would share a few changes that have gone on around these parts....

*****

*We found out we are having a another little girl. Name suggestions, please!

*We listed our house for sale and it sold. It sold in 4 days. Needless to say, I was having mini anxiety attacks. (PS-do you need a real estate agent? Our agent, Sarah, was amazing. If you're in So Cal, use her!)

*We bought a new home, which we will get keys for on Tuesday. I started a blog to document all of the many projects we have planned for it HERE (or you can find it over there >>>>>).

*I started writing for a writers collective, SMARTLY. You can find my two articles that have been published HERE and HERE. So many of the essays are beautifully written-please read some of my counterparts work. Wonderful.

*We celebrated our 8 year wedding anniversary. I am so proud, blessed and happy to be Mrs. Sean Reeves. God did GOOD when he made that guy.

*Kensington saw her first movie. To me, this is headlining news.

*I read quite a few books, took lots of naps, gained a considerable amount of weight, became SERIOUSLY behind on blog reading and had many relaxing moments with family and friends.

That's us in a nutshell.

PS-can you believe it's September? WHERE does the time go?

movement in the direction desired.

This isn't how I wanted to "return to blogging". Not that I had to have a triumphal entry, but I wanted it to be thought out and intentional.

However, as I sit right now and reflect in silence, it seemed to be what I needed at this moment. And so I will let myself write and share and not worry that some will question my time away, the lapse of days or my reasons for return. It wasn't what was planned, but then again....what really goes as planned?

I blog because I literally feel alone and need to write. This seems natural.

I am sitting in my childhood home. Everyone is asleep in other rooms.

Our first home is packed up and sitting in a driveway. We just sold our first home. It left us today.

My husband is gone on a business trip. My phone is dead. My eyes are tired and I am exhausted. I cry tears of sadness and loss and then begin to cry tears of hope for our new direction.

I am alone.

It's myself, my thoughts and the things I have learned in this last month or so.

When you are pregnant, I believe, things are emotional but they are also more clear.

And clarity is what I needed.

When I said goodbye, I had such self imposed ideas of what I needed to accomplish in my absence. How long I "needed" to be gone to satisfy some type of legitimacy factor and what I needed to have learned.

I have learned a lot. Mostly about myself.

I have learned that I have a lot of growing to do and some of it I didn't want to acknowledge.

I have learned that I am hurt easily, but strong.

I have learned that people disappoint me and are not what I thought they are but I can't use that as a reason to become less of a person in my relationships.

I have learned what I need from people, but most importantly, what I want to give people of me....even if I don't recieve what I feel I should.

I have learned sadness for friendships lost.

I have learned to let go.

I have learned the power of my family and the need for silence.

I have learned to slow down and stop.

I have learned you don't need a laptop to survive.

But most importantly....In the last month in a half....

I have learned that there was a small part of Rachel that was overshadowed by the overwhelmingly large personality. A small part that has been somewhat afraid to be sold out for what I know I believe and have faith in. I would see glimmers and traces of it and would season a post with remnants of my hearts desire, but I was reserved. Reserved because I have been put down for what I believe, lost friends for what I stand for and been made fun of for my candid nature, when it comes to my beliefs. I've been told I take myself and my faith too seriously. I was afraid.

That small person...she would hide well, but was always there.

And in the last 50 days, through quietness and some serious reflection....she has surfaced. She is being pulled out and thrown away.

Because I want to be what I am and live what I feel inside. No matter what the cost.

I want to live authentically. I want to live, not for my family.....not for my friends...not for blogging...not for accolades or some else's idea of what I am. I want to live not for praise or glory or the worlds idea of perfection. I want to live not for all the world offers, that so often catches my eye and allures me.

But for Christ.

And I think I'm ready to be what I really am.

my personal Isaac {a goodbye}.

Dear Reader,

I have wrestled with this blog post for awhile. I have gone back and forth, prayed much and even made a pro-con list. Yes....it has not come without quite a bit of thought, heavy heartedness and reflection. Tonight, I came to the realization that I can no longer pretend I don't know what I need to do.

Yes, this all sounds very serious and I'm sure to some people, the idea that a blog is serious at all is humorous. However, it is serious to me. Very serious, in fact and very important. My blog is extremely important to me. So important, in fact, that I must say goodbye. For now.

Last weeks sermon was delivered and so was a dose of conviction. The story of Abraham and Issac was taught and I was almost scott free. Until the tale end of the sermon. The following phrase was thrown on the big screen and since has been on a scrolling ticker in my mind.....

"Anything we hold dear we must hold loosely."

You see, in the story of Abraham and Isaac (Genesis 22), Abraham was tested by the Lord. He was to present a burnt offering (as was custom) to the Lord, but instead of using the best of their cattle, he was commanded by the Lord to use his only son Isaac. The son he had prayed and waited for. To even imagine the DEPTH of this sacrifice made me uncomfortable in my seat. The mere thought of having to watch my child in any type of pain makes me physically ill, let alone being asked by my Lord to sacrifice my only daughter.

Yet, Abraham had so much faith and love for his Sovereign Lord, that he obeyed. He took Isaac. He walked side by side with his son, with full intention to do as the Lord commanded.

As we all know, in the end, the Lord stopped Abraham short of slaying Isaac. He knew that Abraham feared Him. He knew that he loved Him. He would do anything for him. He would sacrifice all.

Aside from this story moving me by the sheer faith this man had, I felt somewhat disconnected. It wasn't until the pastor said the following, that I felt my stomach turn.

"Do you have a personal Isaac? Do you have something you need to risk, sacrifice? What is the Isaac in your life that God is asking you to put on the alter?"

It was at that moment that instantly my mind said: My blog.

There was no question. There was no stutter or skipped beat.

I knew that I needed to surrender my blog.

If this sounds silly to you, I can understand. If you would have told me, 3 years ago, that a blog would seem this serious to someone, I would have laughed. However, my blog has become something in my life that has come to define me. I even struggle to admit that. It makes me feel embarrassed and weak. It's the truth though. My blog has become such a large part of my life that I almost couldn't see beyond it. I loved it. I admired it. I loved the connections, the feedback, the relationships and the writing. I loved all of it.

And I hold on to it too tightly. Much too tightly, in my clenched fist. I control it completely.

I went back and forth debating on what I "should" do. Would it be wise to stop? Would it be smart to stop writing when I feel I am just starting to hit my stride, grow a following and branch out to other readers? What would people think? Would people be mad or think I'm overreacting? Will no-one care at all? Will people think that I'm becoming a hermit and cutting myself off from the world?

Fear began to creep in.

What will happen to my writing?

What will happen to the people I hope to reach and those that have just started reading my blog? What happens to them?

And my greatest pride-filled fear:

What If, when I leave my blog, if I disappear? People will forget about me and no longer care.

After all, as much as I have enjoyed it in the past, I have become Mrs. 17. Not just Rachel. I am my blog. My blog is me and they have become synonymous. I used to love it. Now I feel like I would be nothing without it. What if people don't know me anymore, because I'm not writing my thoughts and feelings down for them to absorb? What if people no longer care what I have to say? What if people don't want to get to know Rachel without the blog?

My Isaac.

In the end, as much as I hurt, I have to do this.

I have to hold loosely onto that which I adore and love so much.

My blog has grown to take up such an important space in my heart and mind that I almost feel it is too much. Unbalanced. No longer 100% joyful, but more something I am somewhat addicted to. Not in the nail-biting, "I gotta get a fix" type of way, but certainly in the, "I couldn't possibly NOT have a blog" type of way.

I no longer feel that It it pure and completely for the the purpose I set out for it:

To share my love of Christ with others and encourage them on their personal journey to find Him.

It has become muddled in my mind. Somewhere between reaching out to others, growing into super blog, finding and gaining readership, perfecting my writing, sharing what I think and feel, giving opinions, a show of my own self-worth as a mother and wife....my purpose is getting lost.

At least I feel it is.

When he asked what my personal Isaac was, I knew.

My blog.

My blog, which has become so much of me. Of my heart and my desire to be closer to you, the reader.

But it has taken over my mind in such a way that I need to sacrifice it. Sacrifice so the Lord can show me what He wants for me.

Maybe he wants me blogging. And maybe He wants me far away from my small, silver screen. I'm not quite sure, but I know, for now, I need to say goodbye.

As much as It hurts me. As much as I don't have understanding and quite honestly resent the Lord for calling me to give up something so very important to me....

I must be willing to sacrifice and risk something I hold dear.

While it is nowhere close to the pain that Abraham must have felt, I will use his obedience as an example for myself and know that God wants my obedience, in the small and not so small areas of my life.

Even if it means giving things up.

So, thank you readers. Thank you for reading and being a part of me. The hardest part of saying goodbye is wondering if its the right thing to do...because I don't want to lose you.

And maybe it won't be forever. Maybe it will just be for a time, until the Lord tells me to write again.

Until He does....

I will leave you with what I DO know with all my heart....

The Lord is the only way. The Way the Truth and the Life.

Be a light to those around you. Hold loosely that which you hold dear and know that the Lord, the Author of all life, loves you so very much and sent His Son to die for you. All your baggage, craziness and all.

He wants you.

Run to Him, seek Him and therein you'll find peace.

i don't like my perceptions messed with.

"Perception is reality."

Isn't that the truth?

Well, actually it isn't, but we let it be, don't we?

If we are all being honest, "perception as reality" suits our needs much better than scrounging around for the truth. Especially when it comes to our acquaintances, friends, family and the multitudes we run across, daily. If we just take what we see as accepted fact, it allows us to control situations and manipulate our thoughts and actions to suit us best.

Hey, just being honest.

It's why perception has worked for me in the past, at least.

If we perceive that a family member is an angry, heartless jerk, there is no need to get to know him. He makes life hard on all of us, so we can't be bothered. Or maybe they are hurting so bad they would love someone to just say hello and ask how they are.

If we perceive that a fellow mom is "perfect" because her purse is always "labeled leather" and children's hair is always hair-sprayed "just so", she must know it and be stuck up. No need to get to know her because she already thinks she is better than us.

If we perceive that our husband doesn't see all the hard work we do around the house because he doesn't mention it each night, we can resent him for not appreciating us and be semi-beastly until he acknowledges us. Never mind sitting down and telling him it's important to us that he mentions occasionally our glistening baseboards.

If we perceive that someone is busy and confident, we assume they have it all together, millions of contacts and don't have a need for anyone to reach out to them. Never mind that this too might be an allusion we have conjured up ourselves and not actual reality.

If we perceive that because someone has bratty/unruly children that they are lazy and incompetent than what's the point in getting to know her-you can't let her kids around yours anyways! Yikes! It couldn't be that she is extremely overwhelmed, tired and frustrated and maybe just needs a helping hand, once in awhile.

***

It's amazing how perception really plays into our personal hand. It makes life easier, allows us to dwell on the negative things we would like to and inject our own opinion as truth....ultimately creating a fake world.

Perception ISN'T reality....REALITY is.

Let's challenge ourselves to examine how people are really doing, what they are really thinking and how they are really feeling.

Life will become much less blurry and scattered.

Much more genuine and real.

a little shop with your lindy hop?

Please email me so you can be added to the guest list.

*delightful graphics provided by the fabulous Heather*

Art I "get".

As well-traveled and cultured as I like to think I am, sometimes modern art (and art that isn't so modern) is lost on me. That's not to say that I don't love art. Of all my classes in college, art history was one of my most favorite. I enjoy museums and art galleries and have been to my fair share.

Sometimes when I see pieces of art that are abstract I just slant my head to the side and say, "huh?" I then proceed to feel ultimately stupid because I can't wrap my mind around what possessed the artist to create the work. I then feel even more stupid when my companion for the evening says something like, "wow. that's beautiful. what emotion must have been put into that piece." I then turn to THEM and slant my head. "Huh?"

I suppose not all of us are meant to be progressive and completely understand or appreciate modern art. I want to get it, I really do. I didn't get handed that "cool" gene. I much more prefer the Renaissance period. Much more literal.

ANYWAYS.

I am one of those people that when asked, "What is art?", I 100% agree that photographic art is amongst the most difficult and challenging to produce...if it's done right. Disagree with me, that's fine.

A good picture, however, will tell a story for future decades to come....many times without an explanation.

That's why I fill my walls (and shelves) with pictures. Snapshots of time. Each time I look at a photo, I can recall how I felt when it was snapped, what I was thinking and what was going on that week. I love those memories.

Which is why we ordered a large print from a shoot we did in February with my sister in law, Melissa. I want to save this moment in time forever. A family of 3. Kensington turning 2 shortly after this. I was going to run my first race the next week. Not knowing we were going to be pregnant just a short month later. SUCH a happy time for our family. A great day.

It will always be art in my eyes. A beautiful photo. A beautiful time.

A beautiful memory.

Captured by an artist.

fear and trembling during gestation.

I truly thought once I moved "on" in my pregnancy, my worries would subside.

Instead, they have grown, taken over my mind at times and made me come to a place where I simply banish them completely, before I think on them.

I don't know why I carry worry over this pregnancy. I know intuitively that worry and fear are NOT from God. He doesn't want that for me. He offers peace, but I feel a constant battle in my mind. A battle to pass my fear into His hands and not focus on it.

Being a self-proclaimed ex-control freak, It takes work to not mull over and solve every perceived problem. I like answers and solutions and yet the only answer that will "work" in this situation is casting my concerns and fear on the shoulders of Him which offers peace.

My fears of

...pain in childbirth

...having a child with a health condition

...the Lord sending me home with no child

...walking into the hospital and my baby no longer having a heartbeat

...being out of control of what happens after the baby is here

...not being the mother that I need to be

My mind can become flooded and my heart overwhelmed. I don't like fear and it isn't something I am accustomed to, but it has become a fast friend, these last 20 weeks. I hate it, yet I chose for it to take a stronghold in my mind. It's all my choice.

I want nothing more than to pass it over and hand the baton on. Today I will. I will walk into that doctors office and allow the words of this verse to wash over me instead....

2 Chronicles 20:15 "Do not be afraid or dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours, but God's."

The battle for my mind, heart and sanity belongs to the Lord and not to me. He will fight my fight and face my fears. My job is to trust Him, serve diligently and live passionately.

I think I can handle that.