I have wrestled with this blog post for awhile. I have gone back and forth, prayed much and even made a pro-con list. Yes....it has not come without quite a bit of thought, heavy heartedness and reflection. Tonight, I came to the realization that I can no longer pretend I don't know what I need to do.
Yes, this all sounds very serious and I'm sure to some people, the idea that a blog is serious at all is humorous. However, it is serious to me. Very serious, in fact and very important. My blog is extremely important to me. So important, in fact, that I must say goodbye. For now.
Last weeks sermon was delivered and so was a dose of conviction. The story of Abraham and Issac was taught and I was almost scott free. Until the tale end of the sermon. The following phrase was thrown on the big screen and since has been on a scrolling ticker in my mind.....
"Anything we hold dear we must hold loosely."
You see, in the story of Abraham and Isaac (Genesis 22), Abraham was tested by the Lord. He was to present a burnt offering (as was custom) to the Lord, but instead of using the best of their cattle, he was commanded by the Lord to use his only son Isaac. The son he had prayed and waited for. To even imagine the DEPTH of this sacrifice made me uncomfortable in my seat. The mere thought of having to watch my child in any type of pain makes me physically ill, let alone being asked by my Lord to sacrifice my only daughter.
Yet, Abraham had so much faith and love for his Sovereign Lord, that he obeyed. He took Isaac. He walked side by side with his son, with full intention to do as the Lord commanded.
As we all know, in the end, the Lord stopped Abraham short of slaying Isaac. He knew that Abraham feared Him. He knew that he loved Him. He would do anything for him. He would sacrifice all.
Aside from this story moving me by the sheer faith this man had, I felt somewhat disconnected. It wasn't until the pastor said the following, that I felt my stomach turn.
"Do you have a personal Isaac? Do you have something you need to risk, sacrifice? What is the Isaac in your life that God is asking you to put on the alter?"
It was at that moment that instantly my mind said: My blog.
There was no question. There was no stutter or skipped beat.
I knew that I needed to surrender my blog.
If this sounds silly to you, I can understand. If you would have told me, 3 years ago, that a blog would seem this serious to someone, I would have laughed. However, my blog has become something in my life that has come to define me. I even struggle to admit that. It makes me feel embarrassed and weak. It's the truth though. My blog has become such a large part of my life that I almost couldn't see beyond it. I loved it. I admired it. I loved the connections, the feedback, the relationships and the writing. I loved all of it.
And I hold on to it too tightly. Much too tightly, in my clenched fist. I control it completely.
I went back and forth debating on what I "should" do. Would it be wise to stop? Would it be smart to stop writing when I feel I am just starting to hit my stride, grow a following and branch out to other readers? What would people think? Would people be mad or think I'm overreacting? Will no-one care at all? Will people think that I'm becoming a hermit and cutting myself off from the world?
Fear began to creep in.
What will happen to my writing?
What will happen to the people I hope to reach and those that have just started reading my blog? What happens to them?
And my greatest pride-filled fear:
What If, when I leave my blog, if I disappear? People will forget about me and no longer care.
After all, as much as I have enjoyed it in the past, I have become Mrs. 17. Not just Rachel. I am my blog. My blog is me and they have become synonymous. I used to love it. Now I feel like I would be nothing without it. What if people don't know me anymore, because I'm not writing my thoughts and feelings down for them to absorb? What if people no longer care what I have to say? What if people don't want to get to know Rachel without the blog?
My Isaac.
In the end, as much as I hurt, I have to do this.
I have to hold loosely onto that which I adore and love so much.
My blog has grown to take up such an important space in my heart and mind that I almost feel it is too much. Unbalanced. No longer 100% joyful, but more something I am somewhat addicted to. Not in the nail-biting, "I gotta get a fix" type of way, but certainly in the, "I couldn't possibly NOT have a blog" type of way.
I no longer feel that It it pure and completely for the the purpose I set out for it:
To share my love of Christ with others and encourage them on their personal journey to find Him.
It has become muddled in my mind. Somewhere between reaching out to others, growing into super blog, finding and gaining readership, perfecting my writing, sharing what I think and feel, giving opinions, a show of my own self-worth as a mother and wife....my purpose is getting lost.
At least I feel it is.
When he asked what my personal Isaac was, I knew.
My blog.
My blog, which has become so much of me. Of my heart and my desire to be closer to you, the reader.
But it has taken over my mind in such a way that I need to sacrifice it. Sacrifice so the Lord can show me what He wants for me.
Maybe he wants me blogging. And maybe He wants me far away from my small, silver screen. I'm not quite sure, but I know, for now, I need to say goodbye.
As much as It hurts me. As much as I don't have understanding and quite honestly resent the Lord for calling me to give up something so very important to me....
I must be willing to sacrifice and risk something I hold dear.
While it is nowhere close to the pain that Abraham must have felt, I will use his obedience as an example for myself and know that God wants my obedience, in the small and not so small areas of my life.
Even if it means giving things up.
So, thank you readers. Thank you for reading and being a part of me. The hardest part of saying goodbye is wondering if its the right thing to do...because I don't want to lose you.
And maybe it won't be forever. Maybe it will just be for a time, until the Lord tells me to write again.
Until He does....
I will leave you with what I DO know with all my heart....
The Lord is the only way. The Way the Truth and the Life.
Be a light to those around you. Hold loosely that which you hold dear and know that the Lord, the Author of all life, loves you so very much and sent His Son to die for you. All your baggage, craziness and all.
He wants you.
Run to Him, seek Him and therein you'll find peace.
