However, as I sit right now and reflect in silence, it seemed to be what I needed at this moment. And so I will let myself write and share and not worry that some will question my time away, the lapse of days or my reasons for return. It wasn't what was planned, but then again....what really goes as planned?
I blog because I literally feel alone and need to write. This seems natural.
I am sitting in my childhood home. Everyone is asleep in other rooms.
Our first home is packed up and sitting in a driveway. We just sold our first home. It left us today.
My husband is gone on a business trip. My phone is dead. My eyes are tired and I am exhausted. I cry tears of sadness and loss and then begin to cry tears of hope for our new direction.
I am alone.
It's myself, my thoughts and the things I have learned in this last month or so.
When you are pregnant, I believe, things are emotional but they are also more clear.
And clarity is what I needed.
When I said goodbye, I had such self imposed ideas of what I needed to accomplish in my absence. How long I "needed" to be gone to satisfy some type of legitimacy factor and what I needed to have learned.
I have learned a lot. Mostly about myself.
I have learned that I have a lot of growing to do and some of it I didn't want to acknowledge.
I have learned that I am hurt easily, but strong.
I have learned that people disappoint me and are not what I thought they are but I can't use that as a reason to become less of a person in my relationships.
I have learned what I need from people, but most importantly, what I want to give people of me....even if I don't recieve what I feel I should.
I have learned sadness for friendships lost.
I have learned to let go.
I have learned the power of my family and the need for silence.
I have learned to slow down and stop.
I have learned you don't need a laptop to survive.
But most importantly....In the last month in a half....
I have learned that there was a small part of Rachel that was overshadowed by the overwhelmingly large personality. A small part that has been somewhat afraid to be sold out for what I know I believe and have faith in. I would see glimmers and traces of it and would season a post with remnants of my hearts desire, but I was reserved. Reserved because I have been put down for what I believe, lost friends for what I stand for and been made fun of for my candid nature, when it comes to my beliefs. I've been told I take myself and my faith too seriously. I was afraid.
That small person...she would hide well, but was always there.
And in the last 50 days, through quietness and some serious reflection....she has surfaced. She is being pulled out and thrown away.
Because I want to be what I am and live what I feel inside. No matter what the cost.
I want to live authentically. I want to live, not for my family.....not for my friends...not for blogging...not for accolades or some else's idea of what I am. I want to live not for praise or glory or the worlds idea of perfection. I want to live not for all the world offers, that so often catches my eye and allures me.
But for Christ.
And I think I'm ready to be what I really am.
